onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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