Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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