i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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