he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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