I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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