just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
