Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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