I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
When did angry sex become our thing?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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