Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
