I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
