If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
