The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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