just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
