Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
