Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
