Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
When are your genitals available?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
