ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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