i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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