My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
