I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
