i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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