I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
