It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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