The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Come see our sink grown plant.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
