Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
