Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
