Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
