Michael Bay diarrhea
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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