i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
