last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Found the puke drawer
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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