Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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