dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
