I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
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You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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