You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Shame - the story of my life.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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