I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize