I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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