Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
