So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I need to stop coming to work sober
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
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Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
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DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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