I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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