you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
