I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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