So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
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I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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