Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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