Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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