It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
