I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
