Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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