GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
