are you still at the devil's house?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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