Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
