I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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