last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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