I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
