i can juggle bunnies
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
tonight lets celebrate not being married
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.