Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
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I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
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I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one