i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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